The battlereport of which you are about to indulge your eyes with is one of mammoth proportions. Personally, it was one of the most... interesting games I've played in in a long time barring my absence (read: rehabilitation time) away from the marvel that is Brood War. It's a game of bloodshed, tears, and betrayal, with mindblowing twists and turns that will turn your cranium inside out, such as "expanding" and "massing".

In any case, I can warn you beforehand that this epic series of battles summed up in what one could call a "battlereport" contains immense faggotry and homosexual rape that only Rosie O'Donnel could enjoy, if only she had less of a penis. You may account this faggotry and rape to the tags you notice at the end of everyone's name - [LCD] - which, when donned, gives the wearer a +15 in homoerotic tendancies and a -10 sodomy evasion. Starcraft skill plummets dramatically, as well. If you haven't heard of this popular clan of SC's most elite fruitcakes, their mission really isn't too complicated; when the fun of regular melee is lost, LCD finds ways to make the game as interesting as possible without being fair or "manner" whatsoever.

With this knowledge in your head (and the report at least somewhat loaded by now), I implore you to enjoy this game 'lest the sexually inverted members of LCD come and have their respective ways with you in a varying potpurri of positions. Enjoy!


MedicFag[LCD] aka Blitzkreig_

The sweet orphan lovechild of a World War II vet and a Hispanic immigrant who obviously hasn't learned the "i before e" rule, Blitzy will be playing as Zerg in this debacle. His strange mannerisms and inability to sustain an erection can be directly linked to the fact that he lives so damn close to Canada, but we won't hold that against him.

corsairfag[LCD] aka mattzarella

A man with a giant heart and a sturdy wang. I suppose his Starcraft skill dirrectly correlates with his massive dong, explaining why he owns so hard. I suppose it also explains why he never goes one on one with anyone. Mattz will be playing as the bunny-like Terran.

As for Decay_'s pics, ive linked them. Uh, for your safety. He looks different because he got a makover, i guess. Before
And After

Scoutfag[LCD] aka Decay_

Decay once told me that his only goal in life was to be the first homosexual president, and that he would begin funding for several "Gaytor Ranches" in the greater everglades area.
Alright, he's not gay, but he does play as Terran in this game. And his real name is Dick. *snicker*

infestdfag[LCD] aka Lithium427

Never without a dreidel, this Jewish Starcraft player has been pulling down games with us even when he learned that we were all gentiles. But we can't seem to figure out why he keeps hogging all of the minerals...
Playing as the vivacious Terran in the game.

|||l||||ll||||| aka Fence

I'd put him up around my house, but I'm afraid I'd scare away the neighbors. Fence is 80% picket, 20% white and 100% luscious Terrany goodness, like the cream in a twinkie.

NukeFag[LCD] aka wakiki

It turns out that wakiki was trying to show off to his girlfriend by playing Starcraft with his wang and accidentally got electrocuted, That'll teach him to mix women and video games.

Actually, he just left after realizing he picked zerg. But it serves him right.


The map, Dark Continent, is one of my personal FFA favorites simply because I know where all of the expansions are and how to hog them unwaveringly until I've massed enough resources for a full scale Arbiter attack. If you haven't seen the map, click here for a link.


Fleeing from the KGB, Decay lands his brown Terran command center in the top left starting position.

Headed clockwise, the next player in the upper-middle start point is yellow Blitzkreig with his teeny, adorable Zerg heathens.

Landing in today's Shitty Starting Spot (SSS) under Blitzkreig is Lithium427, drunkenly flying in a teal Terran command center before sending it back out due to a horrible paint job.

Directly under Lithium, in more than one sense, is Fence. Things will become tense around Fence because Fence likes to put dents in players' cents. Forthwhence, he will be orange Terran.

Carefully moving his giant wang out of the way for his command center, mattzarella takes up the lower right starting position. He was immediately labeled as purple Terran and burned at the stake without trial.

And with that, let's begin!


Our players begin their epic quest on a sultry July night. Summer was in all its glory; the stars were out, late-night barbeques were being had, festivities with pre-Fourth fireworks were set up... and these five brave losers were inside at a computer desk, wondering why they had wasted the last of their lotion on Naughty Nurses 4 when they could've just used good 'ol hand soap instead. It was truly the magnum opus of nights, as far as these rejects were concerned.

So, as the night climaxed, and these young boys did not, they decided that a game of Brood War was in order. But not just any game, oh no; it was the paradigm of homosexuality that these fellows wished to delve their naughty little fingers into and pull out a victory. Not just any victory, though - a free-for-all victory!


Naughty boy Numero Uno, Decay, begins his adventure slowly and deliberately. He constructs a Refinery before a Barracks for optimal gas and soon thereafter creates a factory with an attached machine shop. He begins first tank production and research of Siege Mode at 4:30 into the game, as well as an academy and a bunker.

The Zerg Blitzkreig is also very deliberate in what he hopes to do - power like a true FFA princess. His first expansion goes up at roughly 4:00, making it the very first expansion in this game. By the time Decay's first tank comes out, Blitzkreig's expansion has finished in addition to a Hydralisk Den and a Lair. As I'm sure all of Blitz's previous girlfriends will sympathize with, he started this game very eagerly and intends to finish it within minutes.

Being the big fluffy bundle of joy he is, Fence begins his Terran dominion with the construction of an excruciatingly late Factory right at five minutes. His lateness can only be attributed to his need to be whitewashed before the action really begins.

The burdensomely endowed mattzarella takes about the same route as Decay with his purple Terrans and their constructive ways. He builds a single Factory and attaches a machine shop but holds off tank production until later. Instead, he opts to create an Engineering Bay and three turrets surrounding his Command Center to optimize his protection, should anyone wish to fly several random air units towards his base and command them to hold position. A wise strategy, but mattzarella is all too prepared. In addition to his bunker and turrets at home, mattzarella decides to be daring and expands directly below himself, thus making him the second person to Jew the minerals in this game.

Speaking of our serene and tranquil friend, Lithium427 creates a Synagogue on 8, followed up quickly by a Bank and production of several Accountants. He then upgrades his Balancing Checkbooks ability and starts to tech towards Torah Turrets.

On a serious note, however, Lithium takes a different approach to unit construction than the other three Terrans participating. He begins with a standard Barracks, followed by an Academy and an Engineering bay to wallin at his choke point. He then begins construction of marines and medics, soon adding an additional Barracks to make producing units double the flavor, double the fun! Lithium then adds a Factory to his bag o' goodies.

The fearsome flaming five have decided that this game shall be long and gruesome rather than enjoyable and quick. Every player has decided that the powering and teching route is better than rushing, so no action has been seen yet... but, as an LCD inspired game, they all still have several tricks up their designer shirt sleeves (with matching tricks in matching handbags) which they will not be afraid to unleash sooner than later. Relax, as I woo you with my largely-structured sentences and hundreds of commas into a deep sleep that you will never recover from.


Decay, also known as Dick (*snicker*) has taken his corner-map advantages to new heights. He ponders expanding, and ultimately decides to do so at 6:00 - which means, if you've been keeping count, makes him the third person to expand. It also makes him a really big queer, as this is just his first of many steps toward that everpresent elite plan for world domination. Also called upon in his mail-order world domination blueprints are the construction of two bunker/supply depot walls at his main, as you may or may not notice in this forthcoming picture. Just wait for it. It's gonna be neat.

Our banana-flavored friend Blitzkreig fortifies his expansion with two creep colonies. However, he is soon given an offer by a Blizzard employee - for only 50 minerals more, you can have giant phallic objects shoot out from the ground and impale your foes with their.. phallicky goodness! Not one to turn down an offer, Blizkreig soon morphs those colonies into sunkens. At his main, the resident Nazi takes up the task of mass producing Hydralisks from two hatcheries. Soon, with his capacious income and ubiquitous wang, he decides to add a third hatchery to production. He has already researched hydralisk speed and range by the ten minute mark. Unfortunately, at 7:13 in the game, Blitzkreig mercilessly slaughters a kakaru with his control group of hydras. He is promptly fined 100 minerals because it's not kakaru hunting season.

Quickly recovering from his dormant status at the five minute mark, Fence constructs a second Factory, an engineering bay, researches siege mode and cobbles up a bunker and a few turrets. This rickety fellow produces tanks to defend his main in a clever Terran wallin manner, and is also the first to produce a Starport, at 8:39 in the game.

Somewhere over the rainbow, where bluebirds fly, mattzarella is slowly crawling his way up the queer ladder, but he has some stops to make on the way. His first Starport goes up seconds after Fence's does, and he is continuing marine/tank assembly to defend his expansions. To check off one more rung on the queer ladder, Cinderella sends one marine and one SCV to clear out wakiki's main. The absent player put up a valiant fight, but his four drones and single hatchery just couldn't overpower the monstrous Terran machine. As soon as the creep clears, a second purple expansion is laid down, making mattzarella the wealthiest and most homosexual player in the game to this point.

Lithium427 is the only player with actual testicles, so he's also conveniently the one to stir up the game's first action. After laying down an armory, continuing medarine production, and raising a barn (or a Command Center, if you will), he spots a small yellow-tinted drone meandering off next to his main. This thirsty Blitzkreig expansion attempt is quickly quenched by the Gatorade machine that is Lithium427, however. His four marines do quick work of the newly morphing hatchery, and Blitzkreig wisely decides to cancel it before permanent 300 mineral damage is done.

Quite pissed off that his second expansion didn't go the way he planned, Blitzkreig's heated Hydralisks turn their venemous rage toward those unfortunate four marines. After a short chase, all four marines die to the projectile vomiting of Hydras, and Blitz turns his attention to Lithium's main, where he has taken up sanctuary in the Synagogue. In what could be called "buttrape" by some and "sodomy" by the more cultured, Lithium holds off fifteen hydras while killing six with only a few marines and medics. Lithium's losses were a few minerals to repair his blazing turret.

So now we've seen a little bit of action.. every player has firmly rooted themselves in their bases, but they're all growing a little too large for comfort. Only time will tell what vileness and ostentatious debauchery that these players will whip out and slap you in the face with next. At the ten minute mark, each player's base looked a little something like this.


Decay has not been idle during the action. Once his supply depot/bunker wall-of-impending-doom is completed, he pounds out a ring-of-turrety-death to begin his second evil villian lair, this time up in his expansion. At the fifteen minute mark, he's a powerhouse of turtle goodness - in addition, he has the highest total resource count.

At this point in the game, our fruity friend Fence has a new mission, lasting for the next twenty minutes or so - to drop every single player in the game, some repeatedly, and make as many enemies as humanly possible. Without actually doing major damage to his opponents, of course. Anyway, we'll start our quest for eternal aggrivation with Drop #1, and work our way down.

Drop #1 - Lithium427

Two tanks are loaded up and unleashed on the mineral line of Lithium, knocking out six SCVs before he can have a chance to retaliate. Both of Fence's tanks survive the attack. Unfortunately, Lithium didn't have very many SCVs left, so this attack crippled him dearly.

Drop #2 - Decay

Another two tank drop, this time on Decay's only expansion. Fence drops just outside of turret range and sieges both tanks... however, they're taken out quicker than a C-Cupper behind a church. Fence loses both tanks, and Decay's losses tally only two SCVs.

Drop #3 - mattzarella

Once more, Fence loads up two tanks in his handy dandy dropship and wanders on down to the expansion just under his main, currently inhabited by mattzarella's SCV, Command Center, and Refinery. The tanks make quick work of the defenseless expansion and mattzarella floats the Command Center off to the northeast and immediately forgets about it.

Drop #4 - mattzarella

Our neighborhood barcode decides to try his luck once more with the purple dinosaur, and drops mattzarella's bottom left expansion with two tanks. They siege and force the Command Center to lift off, but the calvalry arrives before long in the form of six marines and two tanks. They make quick work of one tank, and Fence barely escapes with the other in the dropship. mattzarella floats the Command Center back to the minerals and continues his happy mining.

A hardcore Zerg cesspool enthusiast, Blitzkreig has been a veritable flurry of action between ten and fifteen minutes. At 12:00 he expands to the far left side of the map - soon afterwards, he morphs in a Spire and Queen's Nest, which takes precedence to a Hive. Blitz's scouting overlord flies all the way over to the Middle East in search of a Jew Gone Wild (VHS $15.99 DVD $29.99). After discovering no resistance whatsoever to the defenseless ball of.. whatever the hell those things are, The Fuhrer makes a decision to invade and crush those Jews, and whatever gypsies they may be hiding. Blitz loads up 8 overlords with twenty-eight hydras and four lurkers, then sends them flying toward's Lithium's main. Without any real mobile defense except a control group of marines and firebats, and no static defense except a turret and a bunker at the choke point, the hydras drop easily and swiftly in the heart of the Terran base and begin savagely dismantling it. The base falls easier than Ted Kennedy at happy hour. Political jokes aside, Blitzkreig's commensurable army makes easy work of Lithium's base and forces him to retreat into observer mode.

Then there were four.

Taking advantage of his new prevalence, Blitzkreig expands once more to the middle-left, upping his expansion count to three. At home, he has morphed a few queens and continues to upgrade his 1/1 hydralisks.

Fence also takes his opportunity and expands below his main, a spot in which mattzarella previously resided, and to the right of his main where Blitzkreig had tried to expand earlier in the game. He then begins to play turret defense with himself.

We've now proceeded into the most heated part of the game, and it doesn't stop until the last player has bitten the dust. There's enough rage and bloodshed in the next hour of the game to satisfy several Red Cross workers, and enough dumb jokes to film another episode of Saturday Night Live (bad acting not included - some retarded casting decisions required). You'll be shocked, stunned, stupefied, sterilized, super-sized, scandalized and sermonized all a la Don King promo. It's also quite possible that you may wet your pants with either liquid of your choice sometime during the latter part of the battlereport. Don't worry, it's natural, but just in case.. we're not responsible for any stains to clothing or furniture that may occur.


The walnut colored Decay continues on his villiany rampage with several more villiany turrets, and throwing in villiany bunkers as well. His expansion is now eqipped to take over anything that flies and doesn't really move. In an un-turtle like maneuver, however, Decay expands to the top right main (which has yet to be touched).

The canary colored Blitzkreig techs in a frenzy, creating a Defiler Mound and morphing in a Greater Spire within seconds of each other. He then researches plague and consume, both of which portend to the coming action. Right as the twenty minute mark approaches, six guardians sit ready at his main, prepared to do whatever unnatural act that Blitzkreig forces them to do.

The fruitily colored Fence, while still amassing turrets and goliaths at his expansions and main respectively, does not hesitate to participate in his favorite hobby of pissing people off.

Drop #5 - mattzarella

This time, the drop is bigger - six tanks go into three dropships and sail dead south to the bottom right expansion. They unload and are expeditiously wiped out by two tanks and two bunkers. Fence's losses - five tanks and a dropship. Mattz loses only one turret and a marine. It seems like Fence will have to find a different route to enter the purple monstrosity.

The rarely clothed mattzarella is now swimming in expansions and has been doing quite well. He has assmbled five starports and a science facility, and has begun production of Battlecruisers. Not just any Battlecruisers, though... big, honkin' purple ones. He continues to add to his pickings by expanding again, this time to the locus above his lower-left base. Just to be innovative (queer), and to kill two birds with one stone (sodomize), he sends a control group of idle SCVs to Fence's expansion north of his main. The scvs tear savagely into the harmless turrets killing several before the horror of the workers can finally be taken down.

By this time, all of the players are fed up with Fence's antics - mattzarella in particular - and we all know it's unwise to agitate an unstable purple Terran, especially one with twelve battlecruisers just waiting to rip the next unsuspecting player a new asshole. As such, mattzarella's entire fleet (twelve battlecruisers and three science vessels) moves out against the expansion west of his main. The initial few turrets there can provide little to no resistance against the overwhelming flow, and the mineral line is now unprotected. Fence hastily loads his goliaths into dropships in an attempt to save his expansion, and, ultimately, his presence in the game. The goliaths unload and barely begin firing upon mattzarella before he flees with his tail between his legs, across the small river and back into the protection of his own main. Fence's losses are several turrets and all the SCVs at his expansion, while mattz's BCs are only moderately damaged.

With Fence licking his wounds and mattzarella becoming quiescent once more, the game's victory can go to anyone at this point in the game. It may very well go to Fence, who, while being stuck in an unfortunate rock and a hard place geographically being between mattzarella and Blitzkreig, has a sizeable army and is obviously not hesitant to use it. Or, the game may be in the powering Blitzkreig's hands who has amassed powerful casters, highly upgraded units (3/3 at 21 minutes) and a very large force of Hydralisks/Guardians, has as good a chance as any to put a wrap on things. Adversely, it could be mattzarella, who controls a large fleet of Battlecruisers (upgraded at 2/3 by the 25 minute mark) and a relatively safe position on the map. Even Decay, who has been quiet throughout the game sitting atop his villiany mountainous expansion amassing tanks and bunkers, waiting for his golden opportunity to strike. No matter who manages to scrape ahead, it's going to be interesting.


Our scantily clad players waste no time to segue immediately into more action. Mere seconds after mattzarella's Battlecruisers fly home to be repaired, Fence retaliates and sends a baker's dozen of goliaths to the purple Terran's brand new expansion and makes quick work of it. The two turrets stationed there can do nothing but watch as their homeland is torn down by ravenous construction workers disguised as goliaths. Fence, satisfied with his work, retreats back to his expansion to plan more evil deeds and to play more turret defense.

Blitzkreig now decides that it's time for the swarm to grow even larger, and dethrone the villianous Decay from high atop his turtley mountaintop (which is nearing completion). Six guardians take their flight along with five overlords containing twenty hydralisks to the brown Terran's main. The attack is going smoothly, until Fence loads up two dropships with an octet of goliaths and dispatches them to the northwest of his main, and ultimately to one of Blitzkreig's expansions. They land exactly at 22:22 and begin tearing apart the drones and resident hatchery with their BB guns.

This attack on Blitzkreig causes the sleeping giant to awaken. After expanding to Lithium's old main, the banana-colored Zerg turns his giant one eyed monster (the Overmind, you pervert) towards Fence. Blitz sends his overlords still full of hydras back home to deal with the orange threat, as his guardians continue to tear down the defenseless Decay. An ultralisk cavern is added at Lithium's old main.

Right as Blitzkreig's overlords unload and easily liquidate the two goliaths who were unfortunate enough to hang around for the after party, mattzarella decides that it's time for some payback on Fence. After all, being a big, veiny, purple Terran, he can be just as annoying as a sporadic dropship user. Sieging three of his tanks at the edge of the river overlooking Fence's expansion, mattzarella begins luring the goliaths one by one into siege range using his battlecruisers and yamato. Fence desperately tries to micro the goliaths, and, due to horrific goliath AI, loses almost all of his anti-air force in the process.

In the meantime, on the opposite side of the map, Blitzkreig's guardians are still hard at work dismantling Decay's main. At his expansion, he is frantically throwing down four Starports and soon begins producing wraiths as soon as they finish.

Back down in the southern area, mattzarella scans Fence's expansion and becomes aware that he has annihilated all but four goliaths. Seeing this as a golden opportunity, mattz sends his entire fleet barrelling into orange territory... only to find that another control group has just arrived, in time to fight off the battlecruisers and force them back home. Just like Decay's sex life, that battle was over before it even begun.

Adversely, back at Decay's main, the guardians have finished off all but the remaining few supply depots and bunkers. In a nice show of micro, two guardians are killed by six marines before they fall, leaving the wraiths the simple job of cleaning up and mercilessly slaughtering the remaining three guardians. Even with his main lost, Decay has plenty in the bank and is actively mining from one expansion. It's all up to the god of queers to now decide his fate.

A scouting control group of zerglings from Blitzkreig now head south of his main to Fence's expansion on the right side of the map. They catch it defended by only turrets, and kill several before goliaths land and dispatch them. Another control group of lings is sent to the very same expansion, but Fence has anticipated an attack and left his goliaths there. After these two attacks, Fence walls in at his expansion, but Blitzkreig wants to see his blood on the ground.

Feeling sure that Blitzkreig has most of the upper map and will go unchecked unless he does something about it, Fence sends two dropships filled to the brim with goliaths for Lithium's old main. The hatchery and ultralisk cavern there are both destroyed, just seconds before ultralisks are birthed from eggs by the hatchery. Fence easily loads up his goliaths and heads home without any losses.

As the thirty minute mark comes and goes, so do the players' tempers. Both the Zerg Blitzkreig and purple Terran mattzarella are frustrated with Fence and wish to see him out of the game as soon as possible. Our beloved woodcrafted friend won't be going down without a fight, however, and will stay in the game by any means neccessary, no matter how many mases of units are thrown in his general direction.

It's with this that we begin the uphill climb towards...


Right as the thirty minute mark rolls by, Blitzkreig throws down another ultralisk cavern at his northern-central expansion and masses his army just above Fence's eastern one. Hell bent on breaking down that Fence, hydralisks, defilers, ultralisks, lurkers, and zerglings all approach the expansion.

At the exact same time, mattzarella decides that it's time once again to perform his dreaded SCV Ninja Attack of Death Supreme (SCVNADS). Sending twenty-four SCVs to Fence's southernmost expansion, mattz kills four turrets and damages a goliath before the reinforcements can arrive and fight off the rest.

When the last SCV explodes in a mass of flying shrapnel, Blitzkreig's first dark swam goes up on top of Fence's expanion wallin. Hungry zerglings eagerly tear down the supply depots and race for the goliaths. Another swarm is cast and the zerglings easily rip apart the scrap-metal gollies. Now, Blitzkreig's entire army moves in and destroys Fence's expansion without remorse. During the battle, Blitzkreig retakes Lithium's main.

The two remaining Terrans are not idle during the battle. Decay's quick production of wraiths grants him three control groups before maxing out. He moves them southward, just out of sight range of Blitzkreig's expansion, to hover ominously. Like a good villian would. Mattzarella, on the other hand, unseiges all but two of his tanks and moves them north, just below Fence's base. The purple Terran machine wishes to take care of Fence in one swift blow. His tanks seige and begin firing on the turrets as four dropships move in to take them out, loaded with a dozen goliaths. Unfortunately for the pickety Terran, mattzarella gets a lucky comsat and sees them approaching. His battlecruisers make easy work of the dropships, and Fence barely unloads one before it is blasted away. His supply plummets instantly from 110 to 78.

As these happenings are, er... happening, Blitzkreig's army moves from Fence expansion #1 to #2, at which mattzarella is currently sieging. The ravenously pugnacious Zerg begin destroying everything in sight, and both players push into Fence harder than an eighteen year old on prom night. The orange Terran's goliaths try in vain to hold off the coming Zerg swarm, and Blitzkreig's forces soon enter the heart of the base. At this point in the game, three things happen at once:

* mattzarella's tanks come in contact with Blitzkreig's forces.

* Decay's three control groups of wraiths come flying into Blitz's northern-central expansion, hunting overlords. Be vewwy vewwy quiet.

* Fence wonders aloud why everyone is attacking him.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. But I would think that it should be painstakingly obvious just exactly why every player in the game had a deathwish for Fence. And in the event that you don't understand either, Blitzkreig has even made a movie for the slower and weaker in our pack. Enjoy.

Hopefully any inlking of thought that Fence was not the repugnance of all players has died by now. If not, watch the video again. And again. There is a fair to good possibility of thunderstorms and that it may devour your soul.

Unfortunately for our lemony colored friend Blitzkreig, Decay's wraiths come at a rather inopportune time. The thirty-some cardboard cutouts of fighter planes float down to Blitz's north-central expansion (the wind was in their favor) and immediately begin taking out the bunched overlords one by one. Decay exterminates the first grouping of overlords and is headed to the second when Blitzkreig realizes something - they're loaded with units! He unloads quickly, before the styrofoam toy planes can destroy any more than they already have. Blitz's forgotten units lay waste to all thirty-four paper airplanes and save the expansion.

Adversely, Blitzkreig has lost every attacking unit which he sent out riding south to the sunset. The remnants of his army were decimated by mattzarella's tanks and battlecruisers as they marched in one by one, like pubescent boys going to war. Except with claws.

The Terran player whose color closely resembles that of a grape popsicle takes this time to expand again, this time to the expansion which was recently fought over. His battlecruisers, which now number right at twenty, loom over his new expansion like a harbinger of death and eventual dismemberment to come. They are big penal harbingers that dare foes to challenge them so they will be given the sheer pleasure of hot, purple, veiny, penal harbingery penetration in their bodies. But yet again, I expatiate about penises.

The infamous Blitzkreig decides that this battle is not over, and will not be until one certain juicy Fence is laying on the ground, bleeding betwixt his buttocks. With the promise of anal penetration, or perhaps millons of dollars, or perhaps..

... Blitzkreig sends another half-control group (that's six) of guardians soaring valiantly down the map to Fence's main. In this egregious attack, the guardians kill barely a few turrets and supply depots before the orange Terran unloads his two dropships of goliaths on their respective underbellies.

As things begin to cool down, mattzarella expands one more time to the left of his most recent expansion. This move officially makes him the greediest bastard on planet Starcraft, and we've got a flash video to demonstrate. May the force be with you.

At the thirty-five minute mark, Lithium, in his infinite observerness, sends fourteen engineering bays charging (crawling) to Fence's main. After soiling his pants with urine, semen, and feces simultaneously, the orange Terran destroys the ebays in an excellent show of micro. Lithium's command center, however, is the prize of the battle for Blitzkreig, as he steals it away in the night and stores it at his left-central expansion to immediately begin infested Terran production. As the heated, decisive battle is occuring, a control group of zerglings finishes off the undefended remnants of Decay's main.

Forty minutes have now come and gone; both Fence and Decay have been reduced to one base, and turtle in it they shall. The two remaining enormous superpowers, mattzarella and Blitzkreig, have yet to come in major contact with each other - but this will hastily change in what will soon become an all out war with heated battles, blazingly keen strategies, fervent showings of micromanagement, and the guranteed largest clone yamato you've ever been witness to.


For the umpteenth time, Blitzkreig contemplates the annoyances of all players and decides that Fence has earned a one way ticket to getting some hard frontal sex. Exactly at forty minues (and I do mean exactly), a Big Bird-shaded defiler casts a lofty dark swarm over the supply depot wallin at Fence's one and only base remaining. A single infested Terran enters under the protection of the swarm and kills a supply depot, making it the least cost effective thing you could've possibly done with an infested Terran. Regardless, several lurkers now enter under the swarm, burrow, and are relatively safe from the tank and goliath fire as they make easy work of the wall.

Two more perfectly placed dark swarms allow Blitzkreig to enter the base even further. As any girl who went to Catholic school knows, you're reluctant to allow entry at first, but eventually he shoots orange crap all over you and burrows lurkers inside. I don't know, I'm bad with analogies. But I bet you thought I was going to make some stupid joke!

The aforementioned dark swarms create a pretty little pathway for Blitzkreig's lurkers to burrow around Fence's impromptu factory wallin, killing several goliaths, destroying the two factories, maiming the tanks, and stealing Fence's copy of Police Academy 2. Eddie Murphy is one funny sonofabitch.

Unfortunately, the lurkers (who sit just out of turret detection range) pick this moment to become mentally inhibited and unburrow, immediately becoming bloody fertilizer for that blue twilight dirt. Nary a lurker survives.

Decay, who has been making Hobson's choice and continuing wraith production, has now fabricated three full control groups of the expensively worthless tin beauties. He surmises that a penny saved is a penny earned.. no, the grass is greener on the other side.. no, why waste thousands of minerals and vespene on pieces of flying cotton and not use them? So, he does, and sends them flying southward into Blitzkreig's northernmost expansion. They eliminate the two watching overlords and go to town on the defenseless hydralisks, burst-lasering ten dead in the process. Soon, all of the drones and the hatchery are nothing but bloody puddles of banana juice on the ground, and Decay's cloaked plastic fighters skidaddle home before the newly-morphed devourers can take care of them.

Our next action comes at forty-eight minutes into the game; just as Blitzkreig is preparing for his next assault on Fence's main, Decay's fibery fliers take their futile flight and careen to Blitz's left-central expansion. They head directly for the infested command center and destroy it before hightailing it out of there, leaving our favorite school-bus tinted Zerg player screaming in agony.

Blitzkreig's third attempt at cracking Fence turns out to be even less successful than the last - a nugatory group of zerglings attack move under the protection of dark swam and fail to do anything but simply run circles around each other. While the lings were futile, the splash damage by Fence's tanks has put each of his frontal buildings dangerously close to burning. With only 134 minerals left, he can repair only so much before being forced to watch his structures burn to the ground. Blitzkreig's keen spidey sense tells him that the stubborn barcode does not have long left to live.


Fifty minutes have passed, and I bet you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but the game is a bit more than halfway over. Fence has nearly been eliminated, and is clinging to the last threads of his fragile life - Decay is still holed up in his expansion-turned-main, and will continue to wraith harass the players until Hell freezes over. Or until all of his units die.. they appear to be approaching at the same rate. Now, we'll continue through the next twenty minutes of the game without delay, so I'll give you some brief facts now.

* mattzarella's air upgrades are 3/3. His vehicle upgrades are 2/3. His infantry, however, is 0/0.

* Blitzkreig's ground units are all 3/3. His air units are upgraded to 2/3.

* Decay's wraiths are 3/3. His vehicles are 0/0.

* Fence's vehicles are 3/3.

* mattzarella and Blitzkreig both have two mining expansions remaining. Fence and Decay have zero.

* if the population of China walked past you in a single file line, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

As such, let's enter the beginning of the end.


Blitzkreig, who is all too aware that Fence is desperately near to being out of minerals, begins plaguing him like there's no tomorrow. With several zerglings as consumption food and a position just out of tank range, the sunshiney Zerg menstruates all over the orange Terran until, finally, four well-placed plagues later, Fence runs out of minerals. The only thing he can do now is sit and pray that the omnipresent Blitzkreig and the neverclothed mattzarella have respective changes of heart and let him live.

It doesn't happen.

In an amazing display which cannot be described in words (well, it can, but mattzarella puts it rather.. uneloquently, as you see), mattzarella's battlecruisrs finish off Fence for good. Take a look for yourself. The first yamato fires at 56:53 into the game.

With one tank, one goliath, and one dropship remaining, mattzarella leaves the scene, feeling that his job is finished. However, in the replay afterwards, the purple Terran allows for a brief confessional.

Indeed, at that embarassing statement, mattzarella flees his twenty battlecruisers from the five menacing hydralisks, shaking with fear. When those same five hydralisks enter Fence's base to destroy the remaining tank and goliath, the brave orange Terran resigns from the game quietly.

Then there were three.

Blitzkreig and mattzarella both know very well that the game is down to them. Our dandelion-hued Zerg knows that if he wants to kill those battlecruisers, he's going to have to do some smart strategizing first... and that, he does.

At one hour, three minutes into the game, six guardians and three zerglings approach mattzarella's main from the north. The small pack of forces kill only a few turrets before the battlecruisers arrive.. but what mattz failed to see were two defilers hidden just to the north. An incredibly well placed plague hits every single battlecruiser at the exact moment twelve hungry devourers move in. They immediately attack a single cruiser, taking it down to one hit point, and swoop back out, heading north.

Mattzarella wants to end this game quickly, by crushing Blitzkreig in one blow. He now sends his entire fleet north, consisting of twenty battlecruisers, four science vessels, and a dropship containing six SCVs. He pauses at the expansion, unloading his SCVs and attempting to repair his moderately damaged cruisers. Before he can get very far, though, the devourers return for more - mattzarella takes chase and is again plagued horribly by one of Blitzkreig's defilers, bringing his battlecruisers deep into yellow health. Haven fallen deep into Blitzkreig's trap already, he defense matrixes the weakest of his cruisers and prepares for the worst.

At the same time that Decay's remaining twenty-eight wraiths move into the yellow Zerg's main (who, to Blitz's dismay, kill twelve morphing devourers)

Blitzkreig realizes that he needs to act quickly, before mattzarella can rebuild mend the giant quandary that is his missing. At the same time that Decay's remaining twenty-eight wraiths move into the yellow Zerg's main, mattzarella builds eight barracks and immediately begins marine production at his left-central expansion. Unfortunately, those marines are completely unupgraded, and going up against a giant swarm of almost forty assorted units, including hydralisks, lurkers, zerglings, and defilers. The multitudes of Zerg units pour into mattzarella's central expansion, ravaging turrets, bunkers, and tanks that stand in their way. At the same time, Blitz deals with the wraith threat at home with a mere control group of hydralisks and the remaining few devourers that survived the battlecruiser battle. Zerg losses are kept to a minimum as both Decay and mattzarella's hopes of winning this game come quickly dwindling down. The swarm reaches the eight barracks with minimal resistance and proceeds to cleave through the defenseless marines and buildings, leaving a giant laceration where mattzarella's base once was.

Without hesitation, the purple Terran begins wraith production at home. He adds four more starports in an afflictive move to save his existance before the rancorous Blitzkreig can permanently eradicate him. Producing wraiths as fast as he can manage, mattzarella can only sit and pray. Unaware of his plans, Blitzkreig marches openly into the next Terran expansion. Hoping for luck, mattz's twelve flimsy wraiths cloak and move out to attack. Things are looking grim for our purple friend as he spots several hydralisks on the horizon. He scans the area for detection and soon realizes - Blitzkreig doesn't have any!

With a lifesaving display of micromanagement, mattzarella dodges Blitzkreig's one and only plague - and also his only chance to destroy the wraiths - and begins slaughtering the hydralisks one by one. Battered, beaten, and finally out of minerals, the yellow Zerg launches a final attack on mattz's main. He gathers together any and all units remaining, which account to thirteen hydralisks, six zerglings, and four overlords, and charges them valiantly in. Unfortunately for him, mattzarella's excess resources have allowed him to macro well enough to have produced three control groups of wraiths in only three minutes, and, as such, he quickly crushes the Zerg force.

Having lost every unit, and with a sizeable force headed for his main, Blitzkreig concedes the game.

Wasting no time, mattzarella resumes battlecruiser production, and sends his wraiths to the heart of Decay's base, bypassing the turrets and bunkers stationed on the outskirts. They destroy his clever turtle from the inside, and, when the calvalry finally arrives to yamato our villianous villian into the ground, Decay drops from the game. Mattzarella proudly exclaims himself the winner as he prances naked around the map for quite a few minutes after the game ends.


I hope you all enjoyed this amazing game of colorful characters, and that you weren't offended too much by my descriptively vulgar language and obscenely large wang. It was just as much of a joy for me to write about as it was to play, and I'm sure I speak for my friends as well. Both Bltz and I had a great time making this for your viewing pleasure - in fact, it was quite an obsession for him, and he made four movies the first day he decided to do a battlereport on it. What a fucking nutjob. Anyway, please go through and watch the aforementioned movies one more time, as I'm sure you want to, and have a great day. Below are some miscellaneous facts about our time well spent creating this report. Mazel tov bitches!

It was wonderful working with mattz, he is a very creative (and funny) writer. I have to admit, the only things i really wanted to do for this br was mess around with videos and flash movies. Mattz filled that gap perfectly because he is one of the best writers i know, and enjoys doing it (not so sure about that now). Anyway, thank you Mattz for working with me, thank you Zerg~Ling for helping me implement the movies, and thank you everyone who helped edit and offered advice.


Mattz's Count:

1 time simpletext couldn't accept any more characters
3 gallons of milk
4 boxes of oreos
13 cans of orange soda
5 sheets of notebook paper
2 times naked while writing
14 dreams about Dagomar's big, sturdy, Dutch legs
1 accidental orgasm

Blitz's Count:

Listened to 43 repetitions of "My Girlfriend (Who Lives in Canada)"
90 megabyte "Battlereport" folder (after i deleted about 30 megs of shit)
Approximately 93 masturbation breaks
20 Applications used (literally)
Approximately 93 tissues
Way too many fucking hours of effort
13 times watching the 1.5 hour rep
3 hours of trying to figure out how to upload the report