WARNING: THE FOLLOWING REPORT CONTAINS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE AND DISTURBING IMAGES.
This report will be the first one I've released since September 11, 2004. Almost two years now since I've contributed in any way to this website, and it's awfully rude of me to ask you to read this but I expect you to anyway out of pure interest. I just now realized that I have before released a report on September 11 and I feel as if I have just disrespected a handful of people who will never find this site. So, no matter.
This will be my third attempt at a series, if you count the hurricane reports, and writing this was a welcome fluid feeling as opposed to the others I've written. Even writing about my own damn life was not necessarily as easy to write as this was - for one, this is a game I know like the back of my hand and my hand and I are like this. *crosses fingers* I've also been on a two year enjoyable writing hiatus, meaning that I haven't written anything of my own accord in that length of time. It's a hefty amount and by all means no human should ever experience it if they enjoy writing. I will inform you that this was probably what I enjoyed writing the most out of anything else. Not sure if it shows or not, but I had fun while I was doing it.
Before you read, I'd like to apologize, though. I promised myself I would never write anything remotely close to fan fiction but I moderately prodded the barrier with the Zelda report and ran it over with the Zamboni in this one. I began this with a totally different idea in my head and it sort of... evolved into some other living, breathing being that has a mind of its own and genitals. It wants to reproduce, and who am I to deny it of that wonderful act? In any case, you might be able to notice with your keen and critical reader's eye that my writing style even slightly changes from the beginning to the end. Humor-wise, mostly, but I'm sure you won't mind the lack of penis jokes in this report (of which there are only one, subtle but it's there).
I'm frequently repeating what I say in the afterword at the end of the report, but this thing bars apologizing for. I don't want to ramble on for too long, though, and I certainly hope you enjoy reading the report. While I have worked quite a while on this reporting railroad, I feel that as an individual I have only lain a few treads and spikes compared to what others have done even in their shorter time at BR.com. This is my way of making up for it, and I hope you welcome me back with open arms and crotches alight with desire.
Okay, two penis jokes.